Category Archives: Psychological growth

Your “values” might be undercutting your God-given worth

When I served as a pastor, I often had a tough time with my leaders in the Brethren in Christ Church — not because we did not love each other, but because I groaned under their direction. Granted, I was theological friends with Christians like bell hooks who were preaching an ethic of love and I pondered making friends with Buddhists. What’s more, I was rather vocal about the antichrist ethics of capitalism and attempts by the U.S. to dominate the world militarily and economically. So I made them groan a bit, too — I think they thought I was very liberal.

The beautiful BIC

I, on the other hand, regularly told them, when I got the chance, that I thought they were the ones who were very “liberal,” in that they readily adopted post-Enlightenment philosophies as the basis for their theology. Even though they were supposedly rooted in antiestablishment Anabaptism, they relentlessly “left the farm” (as they liked to say), to more effectively compete in the present “marketplace” of ideas. They succeeded, to an extent, in growing churches filled with enculturated Christians.

My disappointment with the BIC, by whom I am ordained and licensed, was activated again when one of my spiritual direction clients brought up their personal “values.” I was literally triggered by the term and maybe went just a little beyond the bounds of my usual restraint. Let it suffice to say my appreciation for my companion was too great to let them stay subject to a word that has infiltrated the church and undercut our faith for over 140 years, now.

BIC Values

The subject of values was a main point of dispute for me with my leaders. I did not organize any marches, but I am sure I spoke up much more than they preferred.

In the year 2000 a General Conference of the Brethren in Christ adopted a new identity statement enumerating our “values.” That word may be the least Anabaptist, Pietist or Wesleyan one they could have chosen to describe our basic beliefs. I would have preferred “distinctives” or “aspirations” or “convictions.” Instead we got the straight business-plan title “Core Values” without too much thought as to why. (They are still being used). I assume they thought my critique was “urban.”

Each statement is fine, even if they do have the tortured sound of being committee compromises. But by calling them “values” they undermined my attempts to introduce radical Christianity to people who had lost it or never had it. The prospective Jesus followers I met already had “values.” But they had lost “virtue” or any sense of transcendent “morality.”

The word “values” got a new definition

When I was in college, I often saw students carrying around a big fat paperback of Friedrich Nietzsche philosophy. He is the father of the modern, abstract use of the word “values,” in the sense of moral or social principles. His thinking was popularized in the early 20th century by sociologists and anthropologists, notably Max Weber.

Nietzsche in 1882

Nietzsche was a pioneer in undermining the traditional Christian thinking that dominated Europe. He was definitely thinking outside the box. Before he went officially “mad,” probably due to the same kind of brain disorder that affected his father and brother, he famously wrote of the “transvaluation of all values” (Umwertung aller Werte). That meant he was cheering along the process of revaluing what was valuable. He was the man who said “God is dead,” meaning that in the modern era, belief in God and the accompanying Christian morality had lost its power and influence in society, leading to a moral vacuum humanity would have to fill.

He challenged traditional classical and Judeo-Christian virtues and asserted these moral standards were human-created rather than transcendent truths. It was in the 1880s that Nietzsche began to speak of “values” in the way we now use the word to talk about the moral assumptions and attitudes of a given society. He used the word consciously and repeatedly, to demonstrate the momentous transition human history had made. He thought describing the “transvaluation of values” was revealing the revolution which was underway, a revolution against both the classical virtues and the Judaic-Christian ones – against the very idea of a transcendent morality.

Others developing value theory (“axiology” after the Greek word for “worthy” or “deserving”) immediately pushed back, arguing for the objective existence of values, independent of human desires. But by the time Theodore Roosevelt used the word in the early 1900’s, it is well on its way to describing relativized beliefs that are socially constructed. The beliefs of the world were moving toward what we have today where, as Nietzsche noted, the powerful often have and impose values which normal, weak people do not come up with on their own. The transcendent morality revealed in Jesus was replaced by the survival of the fittest ideas. Now Donald Trump is a value unto himself and, even among the poor, the enrichment of oligarchs is of utmost importance, as they say it should be, even as they attempt to recreate the world in their image.

What we “value” could be deadly

Who would have thought the Brethren in Christ would become the handmaidens of Nietzsche?

Values, as we now understand that word, do not have to be virtues; they can be personally-sourced beliefs, opinions, attitudes, feelings, habits, preferences –- whatever any individual, group, or society happens to value, at any time, for any reason. One cannot say of virtues, as one can of values, that anyone’s virtues are as good as anyone else’s, or that everyone has a right to their own virtues. Only values can claim such moral equality and neutrality. This impartial, “non-judgmental” (as we now say) sense of values –- values as “value-free”–- is now so firmly entrenched in our vocabulary and sensibility that one can hardly imagine a time without it.

My issue with the use of “core values” to describe our discipleship had quite a bit of Teddy Roosevelt pragmatism in it. I still think most Christians in the U.S. are heavy on principle and light on action. Their faith is proving unsustainable as we speak. That’s why I like bell hooks’ ethic of love so much — it is all about how you live, not just what you think or believe.

It is hard to see belief systems in the New Testament at all; the writings are all about creating something by the power of the Holy Spirit; they are more about following Jesus than worshipping him at a distance, if we choose to do so. It is ironic that the powerless of the world regularly claim their freedom by not “drinking the kool-aid” of anyone imposing some principle on them when that very act shows how they “drank the kool-aid” of reducing themselves down to a set of personal values. All the while they could have been following Jesus who actually is a law unto himself, and who faced his detractors, imprisoned in their sense of worth, with “You are from below; I am from above. You are of this world; I am not of this world. I told you that you would die in your sins; if you do not believe that I am he, you will indeed die in your sins.”

What if I don’t value billionaires?

The people I have served were much more moved by the valuation of the “invisible hand” than the conviction of the Holy Spirit. What most people value these days is almost totally subsumed under making a good deal. My cousins asked me at most Thanksgiving dinners, “How is the church business going? Is your church getting bigger?” Advice columnists ask, “Are you better off with him or without him?” Put that last phrase into AI and it says, “Ultimately, the decision is personal and should prioritize your own happiness and well-being.” That is about all we’ve got these days: what I value, more or less.

Our government is littered with big hands grasping at a diminishing public trough. What if I don’t believe they are really job creators? What if I don’t value the way they assign my value? What if Jesus, the great I AM, makes me who I am?

Ellen Meiksins Wood observed, that a capitalist society is a society in which social relations are “embedded in the economy” rather than the “economy being embedded in social relations.” What she meant is we cannot account for the complexity of the capitalist mode of production as if it were an expression of human motives, desires and values. Capitalism is not simply an expression of the human tendency to “truck, barter and exchange.” Now it is a power that compels us to govern our whole lives in a transactional and commodifying way. It is not merely a matter of free people making choices, it is a compulsion, so much so, that a popular slur by our rulers is calling someone a “socialist.

Under capitalism, many other aspects of human nature — such as the need for love, solidarity, and individuality — are secondary to the values associated with profit-seeking, or, if being kind, with “personal satisfaction” or “self-realization.” The word “values” is loaded with monetary value, quid pro quo, even with an evaluation of empathy as too weak to be sustainable.

I think the word “values” is loaded with the worst kind of autonomy: Godless, loveless, aloneness. The thoughts that: “I am responsible for what is important,” “I assign worth,” “My everyday choices to consume one thing over another is what gives me an identity” are overwhelming and subjugating. Thus the BIC reduced themselves with their “core values” to another set of choices, a product. It did not set itself apart from the world, it willingly adapted itself to the principles of the world.

But let’s remember after all this: Jesus is greater than our core values. There were undoubtedly many people in the crowd he confronted in John 8 who did not hear him and just “write him off“ with, “You have a right to your own opinion.” They followed him. The BIC is full of those kind of people, too.

Forgive yourself: You’ll not only feel better, you’ll be better

We usually think of forgiveness as a relational matter. They hurt me; they need to apologize. I did some wrong; I have to admit it and ask forgiveness. You may theoretically believe that is true, right? But living it out in the real world can be difficult. It is much easier to blame or avoid than reconcile.

We need to figure out forgiveness to save the world from its perpetual lack of reconciliation. As we do that, we actualize our own true self and get reconciled inside. Because forgiveness is not just between two people, is also an internal, psychological, and spiritual necessity. You also have a relationship with yourself, too. If we don’t sort out all the different voices that make up our inner dialogue, there is perpetual conflict going on inside of us, too!

For instance, last week I put out my weekly blog post a day earlier than I intended —  no big deal really. But I made the mistake because I thought Sunday was Monday! I was ready to call some computer someone somewhere to find out why my machines were all off! I finally figured out I was off and felt ashamed of myself for jumping to a wrong conclusion that cost me an hour of turmoil — so embarrassing! I accepted my “sin,” but the feelings of guilt and shame stuck with me. I did a dumb thing. Then I felt ashamed because I couldn’t let go of those feelings! What a flawed psychotherapist! I was not forgiving myself. I needed some inner reconciliation. Otherwise, I might have carried around my secret shame right through the terrific meeting at Salt and Light!

We know Jesus will forgive our sins when we confess our sins. But will we cooperate by forgiving ourselves? Some would say “Forgiving yourself is not that important if Jesus already did it.” Maybe. But I know a lot of people who are forgiven in principle but have never experienced a minute of that forgiveness in their hearts. Their presentation of themselves in the world is forgiven, which is good as far as that goes. But their inner being is unforgiving, critical, harsh and living under the law of some childhood jungle in which they grew up. Maybe you aren’t fully forgiven by Jesus if you won’t forgive yourself.

by Jaroslav Samoilenko

Hard on yourself?

How many times have I heard, “I think it will all get better if I just try harder. I’m having trouble doing what I want to do, but when I do, it will all be fine.” Such a person never even gets to square one of life with Jesus because they are still negotiating whether his lovingkindness is something they can live in and express, especially toward themselves. As a matter of fact, they may be quite loving to others but hard as nails with themselves. They might have a loud inner voice that even says, “Look how bad you are at forgiving yourself!” Or even harder, “If you don’t love others rightly, you’ll be damned!” Or very logical, “If you ‘forgive yourself,’ pretty soon you’ll never confess a sin and not even be a Christian!” Rather than letting guilt and shame pass through like regular emotions, every criticism and failure sticks to them like they are flypaper, until it is hard to hear the voice of love for all the buzzing. Does any of this sound familiar?

Do you struggle with forgiving yourself? Probably. I think most of us have been quite confused about  the subject. Most of us seem to be balancing whether we are too easy on ourselves, or rationalizing our bad behavior — at times wondering whether we are too hard on ourselves, and at times condemning ourselves. Such questions are what any wise person would want to ponder, of course. But the Bible tends to go beyond them. Paul assumes we are all unjustifiable (Romans 3:23), and we’re all likely to think too highly of ourselves (Romans 12:3). His remedy is not to admit we are self-condemning and self-congratulating at the same time; he wants us to accept where we are at and accept that Jesus is with us there. Likewise, Jeremiah asserts that we deceive ourselves about our condition; we’re a mystery to ourselves, but God can truly interpret our hearts (Jeremiah 17:9-10).

Don’t you think it qualifies as a “sin” to hold ourselves in contempt even when God prizes us and has forgiven our sin (2 Corinthians 2:6-8)? Let’s consider how to forgive ourselves and be reconciled inside as well as out. Then we might be able to feel God’s compassion in our anguished souls. If you already feel some resistance to the very thought of that, this post might be for you, especially.

Why forgive ourselves?

Only God can forgive sin, so we are not talking about that, OK? I’m talking about cooperating with the Spirit of forgiveness beating on the door of our guilt and shame. We’ve been gods to ourselves and it is strangely different to come at our sense of responsibility for being good from the place of being forgiven. We are born again by forgiveness and, like so many things in Christ, we need to grow up into it.

Remember: All who are in Christ are freed from condemnation (Romans 8:1) and freed to love (Galatians 5:13). We are meant to display the mercies of God as sinners forgiven of their sins (1 Timothy 1:15-16).

Extending grace and kindness to oneself and others is the transformation God effects in those who have received His grace and kindness. God’s kindness leads to repentance, that is, the Presence of kindness leads us to agree with God’s loving way of seeing us. Such gentleness is only possible for us because Jesus has set us free from the power of sin, the tyranny of self-rule, and the oppression of evil. Jesus said “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8). The starting point of forgiving ourselves is experiencing God’s forgiveness.

Keys to forgiving yourself

Clarify responsibility

Blame is tricky. Sometimes we blame ourselves for the injuries other people cause. For instance, many neglected or abused children think they must be to blame for not being cared for because they are unlovable. On the other hand, we sometimes blame others for things that are really all about us —  it is called projection. What we find shameful or unbearable, we cast on others and despise it, or assume someone else made us feel and act as we do.

When we are blaming ourselves or others, we need to sit back and do some mentalizing. Before we start reacting inside with self-loathing or outside with abusive behavior, we need clarity: What is mine and what belongs to someone else? What might be coming at me from the society, in general?

“Clarifying” who is responsible for the injury might sound like we could get caught in an endless inventory of our troubles, as if more clarity is all we need. But I think we need to go deeper than that. I am really talking about simple self-care. We feel better when our feet are on the solid ground of reality, even if that reality initially causes us some pain.

One of the reasons we shy away from clarity is because we feel things about it. We might be angry. We might have unfinished business with a perpetrator we have displaced  on people who bumped into our trigger. We might feel confused, even paralyzed. But we need to risk seeing it all clearly, since if we do not clarify who to forgive: ourselves, others, or whoever, lack of forgiveness will probably make us sick. It’s terrifying to face our pain, and so it seems easier to take the blame for it or cast the blame for it. But it is better to have a clear look at what is really going on so we can be appropriately responsible and appropriately gracious. It is deeper to have compassion for ourselves. Clarifying who needs forgiving is a good first step.

Renounce the dark comfort of your badness

You have probably heard someone say this, too, ” God can’t forgive me; I’m beyond grace.” I heard someone say on TV the other night, “I’ll see my mother again in hell.” Sometimes an unwillingness to seek forgiveness and live in God’s grace is a matter of pride – I did it my way. But more likely, doing life our own way is a matter of despair — it is all we think we can do, we’re alone. You may hear a voice that tells you. “You need to earn God’s favor and that of others.” But then you likely have another voice chime in to say, “You are too flawed to do that. You keep trying and you never make it.”

Self-justification is the universal spiritual disease that leads to spiritual death (Romans 6:23). Self-condemnation also leads to spiritual death: “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:10). We need to give up both of them. We need to be forgiven by God and then work with her to forgive ourselves — feel the love of God healing us and the power of God transforming us.

 Seek repair/make amends/foment reconciliation

 One of the best feelings in life is to sincerely say, “I am sorry I did that to you. Please forgive me.” I think someone read that line and immediately thought sarcastically, “Right.”  Some of us choke on the words “Please forgive me” because they are among the most vulnerable words one can say. They admit we’re guilty. We did something bad. We did not earn it. We are not perfect. We need something from the other person: forgiveness.

As hard as each may be, every act of forgiveness changes the world a little more, or at least stops it from going down the drain so fast. Jesus is quite radical when he tells us to go to our brother and sister and win them to a reconciled relationship (Matt. 18). That’s what God was doing in Jesus. His whole life is an invitation to connect in love, forever. His suffering is not just to fulfill some cosmic law, it is the natural process of being self-giving. When we acknowledge our responsibility for pain or the responsibility of others and seek to make things right, our experience of God’s love and forgiveness opens up, maybe even because someone forgives us or receives our forgiveness! When I experience the forgiveness of God and others I can extend it more readily to myself. (Ephesians 4)

The same experience Jesus describes going on between people, needs to go on inside us. We need to seek repair and foment wholeness in our hearts, as broken as they may be. We are prone to duking it out inside. The things we say to ourselves! I won’t write any examples because they are often unprintable. The shame that locks us into a secret view of ourselves that haunts our days! Forgiveness is an inside and out revolution.

Love with abandon

Jesus identified loving God with your whole heart and loving your neighbor as you love yourself as the two greatest commandments. He told his disciples to “Love one another as I have love you” – he assumed, of course, his disciples were letting  him love them. We are all invited to walk in love with Jesus. All of Christ’s teachings assume some new spiritual thing will happen in us, including that we will love ourselves like we experience God loving us. I am not sure we can keep loving others authentically if we do not experience the lovingkindness of God in our souls — and 95% of us want to do that.

Jesus is given over to love. He loves with abandon. Love requires courage and boldness because love is always costly and opens us to possible suffering. No one who has friends, lovers, children or a mate has never suffered for love. It calls for sacrifice. It is sometimes unrequited. It is easily misunderstood. Sometimes we refuse to forgive because we are protecting ourselves from the demands of love. Maybe right now you resent being told you need to do something you don’t feel like doing or don’t think you can do. Maybe you think it is unjust to forgive or you fear you will be diminished if you give into a bad person. But love and intimacy are only possible when we are vulnerable to being hurt again.

Love is kind — not only to others but to ourselves. Love keeps no record of wrongs — not only of others but of ourselves. Those are lovely seed-thoughts from 1 Corinthians 13. Our spiritual instincts tell us that even though our failure to forgive ourselves hinders our love for others, our meager attempts at doing it, met by the meager love others show for us is not for nothing. The process of bravely loving others facilitates self-forgiveness, too.

As soon as you read those lines, you may have noticed how you are not kind to yourself and how your record of your wrongs is quite complete. But don’t give up on yourself! God won’t. John lovingly writes to his disciples (1 John 3), “Little children, let us love not in word or speech but in deed and truth. And by this we will know that we are from the truth and will reassure our hearts before him whenever our hearts condemn us, for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.”

Get help

If you are hard on yourself and struggle with forgiving yourself, a therapist might help. Most people think forgiving others and being forgiven is the right way to go. Even so, more and more people these days are shying away from love because conflict and break ups could happen. They feel unprepared and unskilled in a fundamental feature of intimacy: forgiveness. A therapist might help you get started on better relationships with others and with yourself in many ways, including learning how to forgive yourself.

Nuremburg: The first casualty of war is psychiatry?

Russell Crowe, Leo Woodall, Rami Malek

Nuremburg, the repeatable morality play

Between 1939 and 1945, Nazi Germany invaded many countries across Europe and occupied them with systematic brutality. They inflicted 27 million deaths in the Soviet Union alone and exterminated two-thirds of the continent’s Jewish population. Proposals for how to punish the defeated Nazi leaders ranged from a show trial (the Soviet Union) to summary executions (the United Kingdom). In mid-1945, France, the Soviet Union, the United Kingdom, and the United States agreed to convene a joint tribunal in Nuremberg, occupied Germany, with the Nuremberg Charter as its legal instrument. For nearly a year, beginning in November of 1945, the International Military Tribunal (IMT) tried 22 of the most important surviving leaders of Nazi Germany in the political, military, and economic spheres, as well as six German organizations. The purpose of the trial was not just to convict the defendants but also to collect irrefutable evidence of Nazi crimes, offer a history lesson to the defeated Germans, and delegitimize the traditional German elite.

Since the year of the tribunal, every generation has created a cinematic history lesson about the Nuremburg Trials. There is so much to learn and feel about the drama of seeing the captured Nazis being tried according to a new idea for international law. As the films try to make sense of what happened and preserve the memory, they also offer a look at the generation who made them.

Judgement at Nuremburg in 1961 had an all-star cast. It was based on a Teleplay by Abby Mann.

Nuremburg, a TV mini series  in 2000, starring Alec Baldwin, was based on Nuremberg: Infamy on Trial by Joseph E. Persico.

Now Nuremberg in 2025 has another all-star cast. This time, the film focuses on a psychiatrist, Douglas Kelley, played by Rami Malek. It is based on The Nazi and the Psychiatrist by Jack El-Hai.

The most recent re-telling is a very engaging movie for being mostly dialogue and courtroom scenes. The gist is: a WW2 psychiatrist evaluates Nazi leaders before the Nuremberg trials, growing increasingly obsessed with understanding evil as he forms a disturbing bond with Hermann Goering. [See this TIME review for more]

The movie circles around the growing relationship between Douglas Kelley and Goering. Kelley’s open mind is a perfect opportunity for Goering to plot whatever advantage he can achieve. Kelley is plagued by conscience, the Reichmaster is not. Goering plays on the psychiatrist’s sympathies and weaknesses as he positions himself to become a noble victim. His behavior is a textbook case of an anti-social personality disorder strategy many now call DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) painted on a large, disturbing canvas.

Some have said the other psychiatrist who was brought in to join Douglas Kelley, Gustave Gilbert (played in the film by Colin Hanks), might have been the better psychiatrist on which to base the movie. The book he wrote, unlike Kelley’s, was quite well-received, mainly because Gilbert made a diagnosis and then proved it. But I think the filmmakers made the right decision to focus on Kelley. His empathy and his own troubled soul, which finally led him to suicide many years later, seems much more appropriate in our very unsure age, which is once again being seduced into subjugation by tyrants.

[Philosopher and filmmaker, Matthew Cooke, is dead set against these tyrants who are subject to their “dark triad” and so subjecting us all to their will.]

The amiable psychopath

Gilbert’s book is far from useless, however. In it he labeled Goering an “amiable psychopath” in an era in which the term “psychopath” was just coming into focus with some definition.  You can read about it in his collected notes: Nuremburg Diary.

There Gilbert recounts the life history of the number two Nazi. He says Goering’s  physical and intellectual “constitution” played its part in his rise to the top and aided his sadistic, aggressive leadership. But it was the cold Prussian home he experienced as a child that nurtured his lack of authentic feeling for others and led to his brutality.  He was fed on Teutonic legends and Junker militarism. As a result, Goering believed deeply in loyalty to the Kaiser, military chivalry, military aristocracy, and German superiority. Peaceful or democratic people were repulsive to him. He was never able to take punishment or to benefit from disapproval, so he became completely self-centered. The Nazi party provided the perfect opportunity for gaining power, for loyalty to an absolute Führer, for sadistic excitement, for revenge against enemies, and for unlimited financial gain. Play acting as an amiable nobleman served the needs of his fantasy image. At Nuremberg he gave a fine performance, but the final evidence of all the atrocities spoiled his heroic pose.

In the movie, Goering seems like a devoted husband and father. Kelley is portrayed as a delivery man keeping the family ties alive while Goering is in prison and his wife and daughter are in hiding. It is as hard to tell what he actually is in the movie as it is hard to unmask a sociopath in real life. One of the key strategies of psychopaths is to skillfully appear normal, even noble. So it is useful to list how these people work. It is typical to see these traits that make them “amiable.”

  • Superficial Charm and Narcissism: Goering was noted for his outgoing, flamboyant personality and a powerful charisma that could charm people, including his prison psychiatrist and other captors. His ability to form appealing, though superficial,  connections probably extended to his personal and family life, where he could maintain the appearance of a normal, loving relationship.
  • Lack of Empathy, Not Lack of All Emotion: Psychopathy is primarily characterized by a lack of empathy and shame, and a disregard for the rights and feelings of others, particularly those outside one’s immediate “circle.” It does not mean a complete absence of all emotion. Psychopaths can experience anger, excitement, and even a form of possessive “affection” for people they view as an extension of themselves or their property.
  • Family as an Extension of Self/Status: For a narcissist and psychopath like Goering, his wife and daughter were part of his curated life and status. He displayed meticulous attention to his body and image, and his family and servants were also well attended-to as extensions of himself. Their well-being and loyalty reflected positively on him and his image of being a powerful, successful man. His primary concern at Nuremberg was that his family was all right, which aligns with protecting his “possessions” or legacy.
  • Compartmentalization: Psychopaths are adept at compartmentalizing their lives.  Goering was able be intricately involved in the horrors of the Nazi regime — including planning the “final solution,” which he claimed was not his department, and at the same time was able to maintain a functional home life that appeared charmed. It is fascinating how he can demonstrate an extreme level of moral detachment and  separate his public atrocities from his private self-image.

In essence, Goering’s “warm” relationships were likely a form of selective attachment to people who served his self-image, status, and personal fantasies, rather than true, empathetic love that could extend to humanity in general. His actions demonstrated a profound lack of empathy and conscience, which are core features of psychopathy, despite his ability to maintain seemingly normal, even charming, interpersonal relationships.

Kelley facing the true Goering

Psychiatry becomes a casualty

Do you think it is indicative of our era that we would recast the Nuremburg trials by having a psychiatrist be the main protagonist? In 1961 the star was a judge (Spencer Tracey was a respectable 61 years old). In 2000 the star was a sexually-challenged prosecutor (Alec Baldwin was a 42-year old playing Justice Jackson at 53). In 2025 the star is a faulty psychiatrist (Egyptian, Rami Malek, 44, playing 33-year-old Kelley — beautifully, I might add, with a bit of Mr. Robot thrown in).

We see Douglas Kelley as flawed but also caring, daring and quick to learn. His experiences highlight the weaknesses of psychotherapy when it is subject to the culture and the state. And they highlight the inevitable weaknesses of psychotherapists when they try to navigate the mysteries of unique beings in flawed systems.

Here are his main failures that open his psychiatry to death blows:

  • He is seduced by a powerful narcissist, who is probably on the malignant narcissist to psychopath spectrum (my research). If a therapist loves his client (as I always do), it is a short walk to erasing the therapist-patient boundary that keeps a clinician within ethical guidelines and delivers the best care to the client. Kelley is gradually lured into the spider web where the lie can eat him.
  • When asked to break confidentiality, he does. Confidentiality is the bedrock of client-therapist trust. Kelley wants to maintain it, at first, and keeps many secrets from his superiors (like knowing the whereabouts of Goering’s family). But in the end he provides all his material and insight to the prosecutors.

Some would say maintaining the privacy of  a psychopath violates a psychotherapist’s “duty to inform.” That duty is a legal and ethical obligation for therapists to break patient confidentiality in specific circumstances, most notably when a client poses a serious and imminent threat to themselves or others. Often it is called the “duty to warn” or “duty to protect,” that requires therapists to take reasonable steps to prevent harm, which may include warning the potential victim, notifying law enforcement, or seeking higher levels of care for the client. It is a critical exception to the rule of confidentiality, designed to balance the need for a safe therapeutic relationship with the responsibility to protect public safety.

  • He connects secretly with Goering’s family in the name of fact-finding (today we might call it “systems work”). This is another aspect of Kelley’s deceptive behavior. He isn’t merely collecting facts, he is delighting in the affection of Goering’s daughter. He could have had a dialog with his superior, but in the hysteria of war and the lack of trust in his commander, there s a lot of room for his defense. While watching the movie, I often wondered out loud, “Who is the Nazi here?” In several places the prosecutor also has doubts about how to apply laws that the countries sitting in judgment have also blatantly violated. How is Kelley supposed to follow his rules?
  • He makes friends with his client. I wrote my dissertation on multiple relationships so I was especially interested in his dilemma. Boundaries were almost impossible to keep within the several small communities in which he was operating: 1) the military with its prohibitive regulations and demands for obedience to a commanding officer, 2) the German prisoners, who all had psychological needs and who were part of a tight-knit group with their own prohibitions and assumptions, 3) the Goering family system, in which he acted as a text book example of operating outside prescribed boundaries, not having informed consent in any number of ways.  Many critics point out the present ethics codes still assume a Eurocentric cityscape where individuals can decide their own fate and act autonomously, which no one in Kelley’s circumstances could, including him.
  • From the outset, he Intends to capitalize on his experience by writing a book. After all, he has an eyewitness intimacy with the authors of evil we need to understand. That’s not bad logic. His colleague, Gustav Gilbert, as I said, also wrote a book in which he delivered the verdict that all these people were disordered. Kelley’s book, 22 Cells in Nuremberg: A Psychiatrist Examines the Nazi Criminal, has more sympathy, pathos and uncertainty. When it comes to any therapist writing a book about their clients, I asked a colleague if confidentiality were required after a client was dead — after all, one cannot get permission to tell their story, since they have died. They said. “That’s right, you can’t.”
  • He would not consult and was probably too young and inexperienced for the job. Therapists are bound to refer clients to other, more competent, helpers when  they do not have the expertise to treat them. Kelley needed a lot of help and should have found it. But it is hard to imagine the clinician who had the credentials to be thrown into the cells of the unique and deranged people Kelley encountered, right? His assignment was to “keep them alive” and he failed in the eyes of his commander because Goering had a cyanide pill stashed in the uniform the higher-ups allowed him to retain. As with the rest of Kelley’s ethical missteps, there is a lot of room for forgiveness if not absolution. It would seem that the first casualty of war is not only the public truth, but the private, as well.

I imagined myself parachuted into Nuremburg after enjoying the fruitful work of helping men with PTSD, as Kelley had been doing. It seemed like a nightmare. I could relate to Kelley’s fascination and eagerness to meet these once-in-a-lifetime clients, to learn, and to be special. But he obviously did not know a great deal about sociopathy and its sister maladies or he definitely would have taken a different tack with Goering. And he probably would have taken another course with all the prisoners as a group, since they all had engaged in creating or or had been drawn into the sociopathic society of the Third Reich, a pathocracy.

As a Christian looking in from the outside, socially, and looking out from the inside, beyond ordinary awareness, I was not too surprised, just consistently sad as I watched the Nuremburg morality play rerun for our generation. The movie was so realistic, some people might call in cynical. But I think it was just being as clear as it could be: everyone has a unique story and many of us are not only fighting the traumas of normal life, we are beset by the disruption we face in our very genes.

The road to life is narrow for many reasons. I have to admit that my clients often end up on a spiritual journey, even when I am not overtly Christian with them. They need a deeper route to take, because the usual resources of society and the law are simply not enough to help them heal and grow, inside or out. Nuremburg pointed this out this lack in every character. Some may call it cynical for that reason, but I call it realistic. The Savior was not welcomed. There was very little of God in movie, but who but Jesus had any hope of making goodness out of hanging 22 devils? Wonderful things followed the horrors of the two great wars of the 20th century. But here we are again only 80 years later, facing the same sociopaths, only now there is not enough faith or even enough trust in the law to face them down.  Or so it only appears, I hope.

*****

Today is Hild Day! Meet this great leader from the 7th century church in Northumbria at the Transhistorical Body. 

Understanding and responding to a “sociopath”

At the CAPS East Conference last week, I presented my research on sociopaths. I have been collecting it all year. If you follow this blog (thank you!), you have probably run into some of what I have learned. If  you want to get into the finished product with me (and I wish you would), I have put links to my previous posts at the end of this one, along with a link to the powerpoint I used in my presentation, which includes the reference list.

It all started with Trump’s portrait.

Like I keep saying, when I first saw Donald Trump’s “official portrait” I marveled at the audacious grandiosity of it. There is no hint of humility or welcome in it. It is designed to intimidate. It matches his endless talk about “winning.”  I admit I ignored it. I laughed it off.

But after his re-election, I decided I needed to turn back and face what we are all facing in that face. Now we know how disorienting and frightening it is to be dominated by a sociopathic president. When I started researching it, I mostly knew the stereotypes associated with sociopathy — which I just learned how to pronounce properly after church a couple of weeks ago during the coffee hour. I think I began by googling, “what is the go-to book about sociopaths?”

I found the book and started with it: The Sociopath Next Door. Martha Stout’s classic from 2005 reads like a prophecy these days. It is academic enough. But its strongest point is its collection of case studies which prove her point: you might run into a sociopath next door and there are responses you should have ready when you do.

Barry Goldwater, Mary Trump’s Book, Anton Ashcroft

Can you diagnose someone you’ve never met?

I just suggested Trump is a sociopath. People asked me if I were afraid I had offended someone when I did the same at the conference. The president already has us scared to exercise our consciences in the face of the uncertainty of what my happen to us! I was not afraid to present my arrangement of evidence-based psychological study integrated with my Christian practice.

The most arguable thing I did was suggest Trump fit the definition. Because I agree that a professional cannot effectively diagnose someone they have never met. At the same time I also agree with people who say that diagnoses, in general, are rather suggestive and subjective even when one does know a person. I also agree with thoughtful people who say the ethics about diagnosing public figures may be outdated.

The APA formally added the Goldwater Rule to the ethics code in 1973, some time after Barry Goldwater won his libel case against Fact Magazine. Fact  published a survey of psychiatrists regarding his mental fitness to be president. He was not found to be fit. He lost by a landslide in 1964.

Like many ethics rules, the Goldwater Rule is roundly debated, especially when it is seen in light of a psychotherapist’s general duty to give warning when they know or even suspect sexual predators and murderous people are likely to act.  With A.I. and years of constant exposure,  writings, and history we can access about people like Donald Trump, things may be different than in 1973. Unlike most people on the Anti-social Personality Disorder spectrum, Trump does all his sinning brazenly, like tearing down the East Wing of the White House last week.

We have a lot of evidence for Trump’s sociopathy. For instance, Trump’s niece, Mary, a clinical psychologist, wrote the book (pictured above). She and Michael D’Antonio, a biographer, provide quite a bit of evidence for Trump being a sociopath. For instance, his mother was sick for a year when he was 2. His father Fred trained his sons to be “killers,” no empathy or vulnerability allowed. In the Art of the Deal Trump recalls giving his music teacher a black eye as an elementary kid. He was banished to military school at 13 where he was a loud-mouthed bully. George Conway put all the evidence together in an ad sponsored by his Anti-Psychopath Pac. (Access via Bing. I think he is banned on Google).

Anton Ashcroft (seen above), working in forensic psychology in 2016,  wrote Donald Trump: Narcissist, Psychopath or representative of the people? He claims, though he has never met Trump, it is his duty to warn people before they normalize his behavior. Your conscience will have to be your guide when his evidence calls for your conclusion.

2016 seems like a long time ago, now that Trump is fomenting a war with Venezuela and Mike Johnson refuses to let the House of Representatives convene. Ashcroft’s resistance is to a bygone ethics which presume an orderly set of institutions and common assumptions about propriety. Those presumptions are gone, it seems. So his diagnosis may be more relevant than ever, now that the traits of 4% of the population, many of whom are in prison (unless Trump has pardoned them), are being worked into the government, into world society, and into our individual lives.

No one has ever known what to do when the people on the sociopath spectrum — the People of the Lie as M. Scott Peck named them, get into power (which they normally don’t). People either try to avoid them or kill them. But killing them is not an immediate option for me. So I have been trying to understand them, at least, and discerning the most helpful responses God can suggest.

The research leads to the right questions

Martha Stout’s book is a plea to people of conscience to recognize and resist the ruthless among them. Her book formed the heart of my presentation. She helped me learn how NPD, ASPD, sociopathy and psychopathy form a spectrum of disorders coming into prominence in this “age of monsters.”

Counselors and educators can provide a truth-telling service to the unsuspecting society who cannot fathom the lack of conscience and single-minded will to power this 4% of the population suffers under.

We need to clarify what we are dealing with.

  • The definition of these people has become a bit muddy.
  • Is there really no cure for Anti-social Personality Disorder?
  • The idea of conscience needs to be clearer.
  • Are the assumptions about conscience fading with the diminishing influence of Judeo-Christian morality?
  • The factors, other than immorality, which cause sociopathy, need to be better researched and known.
  • Treatment options and interventions need to be more available to therapists, parents and law enforcement.

How do we respond to a person who has no guilt or shame, even biologically? I offered eight ways to respond and zeroed in on protecting our individual and societal consciences. I also highlighted the increasingly prevalent strategy of domination people on the ASPD spectrum use called DARVO — V.P. Vance has become as expert.

The definition of “sociopath”

I use the term “sociopath,” even though “psychopath” might work just as well. Neither term has a well-differentiated definition and neither appears in APA’s DSM – the repository of approved definitions for psychotherapists and researchers. But both terms are titles for ongoing study on the disorder. The American Psychological Association (APA) developed the term Anti-social Personality Disorder (ASPD)  because the terms sociopath and psychopath stigmatized people who got labeled that way.

Here are the criteria for ASPD:  1) failure to conform to social norms, 2) deceitfulness, manipulativeness, 3) impulsivity, failure to plan ahead, 4) irritability, aggressiveness, 5) reckless disregard for the safety of self or others, 6) consistent irresponsibility, 7) lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another person.

Martha Stout adds color to the list to make it clearer: 1) sociopathic charisma, 2) a grandiose sense of self worth, 3) the need for stimulation, risk taking, 4) pathological lying, defrauding, 5) callousness, no empathy, the inability to bond.

What do we do with a sociopath?

I say we have one planted in the White House and he must be removed before the weed comes to its inevitably rotten fruit. He is shamelessly pasting his picture over our lives. He would like to carve himself in Mt. Rushmore, put a Trump Arch in Washington DC and receive a Nobel Peace prize for settling conflicts he did not settle, even as he creates conflict that makes the whole world unsettled. His lies have a Wikipedia page. 

When we encounter people on the ASPD spectrum in our daily lives, even if we are not certain, we must do our best to discern the motivation behind their behavior and respond to them as they are, not according to their deceptions or our idealizations. We must attend to our personal health and the health of society. We might not have all the solutions or have the power to effect the necessary changes — but our voices matter; our responses matter. Having a clear conscience before God and others matters.

We can have some empathy for the conscienceless and imagine the horror they would experience, if they had the capacity to do so. Martha Stout says:

Imagine — if you can — not having a conscience, none at all,
no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do,
no limiting sense of concern for the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members.
Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken…
You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences, will most likely remain undiscovered.
How will you live your life?
What will you do with your huge and secret advantage?

We can love sociopaths with everlasting love. We might be able to help them. But don’t offer sociopaths pity and don’t waste your time shaming them (which is essentially negative pity). Never assume they are like you, with your guilt, shame and doubts; they are not. Keep asking, “What are they doing with their huge, secret advantage?” And tell the truth about your answers — to yourself and to everyone who will listen.

My previous blog posts on this subject. 

Say “No” now: It won’t get better. (April 7, 2025)

Is a sociopath training you for evil?: 8 ways to spot one and survive them. (May 12, 2025)

Recognizing DARVO is the first step to freedom: 5 practical responses. (August 25, 2025)

Your conscience is in danger: The Bible can help.  (October 20, 2025)

The slides for my presentation, which include the references are here: Google Slides

**********

Today is Kolano Sabia Day! As a person among the royal families leading the “Spice Islands” he represents a fascinating story of colonial evangelism — its sordid beginnings and its lasting impact.  Get the story at The Transhistorical Body. 

What if I don’t feel God anymore?: Update for this godless time

I first explored this in 2012 and keep going back to Ewan McGregor’s parable about moving into new life. In the middle of Trump destruction, change is forced on us, so it does not feel like growth. But a client reminded me the other day, “Why waste a good crisis?”

The film, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, is parable about gaining faith. It helps us answer a question people sometimes ask surreptitiously: “What if I don’t feel God anymore?”

  • What if I feel like a mundane Christian destined for mediocrity?
  • What if what excited me doesn’t anymore?
  • What if I am trying to feel God and it is not working?
Emily Blunt, Ewan McGregor and you’ll see a young Kristen Scott Thomas, too.

Ewan McGregor’s development parable

Ewan McGregor has similar questions in his lovely movie.

In the film, McGregor plays a surly bureaucrat from the fish and game department who is unsatisfied with his life and his wife, and is emotionally cut off from his colleagues. But things begin to transform when his life is invaded by a charismatic, visionary sheik and the sheik’s wealth-managing, sexy assistant. For one thing, Ewan’s love of salmon fishing ends up being a metaphor for his own change.

The movie is a strange story about believing the impossible. The sheik wants salmon to thrive and reproduce in the Yemeni desert. At one crucial point, they have created a lake and a fish ladder and they have stocked the lake with farm-bred salmon (because the wild fish were too precious for enthusiasts to part with). The farm-bred fish are like Ewan McGregor: staid and stuck in a holding tank. Ewan has sat in his cubicle for a long time not really doing anything. Likewise, he has sat in his depressing marriage not having children and not really making love. The question about these farm-bred salmon is: Will they swim upstream, as salmon instinctively must do to reproduce?

As with all good parables, you are already asking the question: “Will I?” What about my development?

Everyone tensely watches from the dam, afraid their huge, wild experiment will be  a bust. But right when they are ready to give up, one salmon leaps out of the water. Soon all of them are turning around and getting up the ladder and up the stream. Excitement ensues.

But then something horrible happens. Just like Ewan experienced in the middle of his new project when his wife decided to leave him, some person who thinks the sheik is a liberal threat to Yemeni culture blows up the dam! Most of the fish are left high and dry. Just a little creek is left of the water project. They are sure all is lost. Ewan does not know what to do. But as he despondently looks over the project, one lone, surviving fish leaps in the air. They are not all dead!

Many of their expectations died, but something new hung on. Their previous idea for the water project was still in pieces, but a new and better result sprang up from the ruins of their work.

Here’s the meaning of the parable for people who don’t feel very good about where their life is going. Ewan felt like a dried up scientist destined for the mundane. He tried something new and it didn’t work just right and he did not know what to do. Something unexpected took place as a result of him taking some initiative. He endured the loss of what was and entered into what is next.

If you don’t feel God and you would like to, that is probably what is happening to you.

First of all, no one can really answer the questions, “What if I don’t feel God anymore?” because you are precious you. One size does not fit all when it comes to faith.

Second of all, I have some ideas about what might be going on. Don’t give up!

1)  Your childhood faith might be wearing out. It usually needs to move from head to heart.

I use the running the bases chart to talk about how we know God. It implies that we are always developing. Developing is a good thing, even though it includes feeling the uncertainty of moving further and the loss of standing safely on a base. The “game” is ongoing.

A lot of Christians only get to first base when it comes to understanding God. They have kind of a teenager faith. Many people come to faith when they are teenagers and they never get much farther than their original understanding. If you don’t experience the presence of God, maybe God  kept moving and you stayed on first base!

Old feelings pass away, but deeper feelings are in store. Spiritual “feelings” that are deeper than the reactions we learned in childhood are being developed in our much larger and deeper new eternal family.

2) You are going through a change of season and you need some new disciplines.

Think about just sticking with the basics of a “first base” faith in Jesus: knowing the Bible. Getting the gist of the Bible is no small thing, really. It is quite a feat to achieve a basic understanding of what Jesus is talking about, much more to feel secure about the way you are going to do the word.  It takes a lot of concentration to just get started. It might be tempting to stay on the first base of faith, or the second, or wherever you are, even though that season of development is over.

In the case of reading the Bible, spiritual development can’t stay at the level of merely understanding concepts. For one thing, the Bible leads us to the basic disciplines of meditation and prayer — those are not concepts, they are experiences. From reading the Bible we gain a collection of basic approaches to laying a personal, spiritual foundation that must accompany our reading. Meditating on the Bible saturates us with the truth and love that is revealed. We’re not just reading the words, we are responding to God and forming our relationship.

If that relationship does not keep changing and growing, something is stuck. In a new season we are called to run the bases at a deeper level. Our original idea of what they meant, as good as it might have been, turns out to have something deeper behind it.

3) You are experiencing psychological development

In our relationships with God we are always working on basic trust. We develop in the Spirit a lot like children develop in their families. Rather than milk we need solid food. Eventually, we need to develop agency. Then we have to endure losses and become adults. “What doesn’t kill us helps us grow,” it is said, and that is mostly true.

If you are wondering why you don’t feel God, it could be depression or anxiety talking. These symptoms are often “friends” that alert us to deeper things happening in our souls. They may not feel like friends, but they are often the signposts leading toward change. The uncomfortable feelings we often prefer to avoid are actually important to our spiritual development. The destruction of dams we thought should never be blown up often results in something better than we ever could have predicted.

Close relationships and young marriages often go through a lot of anger and hurt as the partners push one another to develop. When children are added to a family they push people further down the road. Losing one’s job or losing a loved one calls us to become deeper, to trust God. We need to listen to our anger, listen to the sadness and other feelings behind it and find out what it developing. Let’s not merely fight, flee, freeze or fawn in a self-defeating way, or our typical way, or the old way. Jesus is a new way.

Thinking over a parable, reading this blog post, relating to what is said, trying to stay open to God (even if you think your relationship is in a holding tank that feels less than fresh), are all ways to start moving in a new direction. You have spiritual instincts that are always ready to kick in. Let them leap.

Validation: It’s basic to happy relationships

“The need for validation is a fundamental human desire to be seen, appreciated, and accepted by others, but it becomes problematic when this need is constant and fuels a cycle of dependency on external approval for one’s self-worth.”

That’s what A.I. summarized for me. Thanks A.I., I hear you. You scraped the internet and formed a boiled-down perspective which you were designed to present authoritatively. I get that. The best part about what you said, is that I need to watch how I respond to you, or I might become dependent on you to approve of my thinking — or do it for me.

Whether A.I. can “relate” or not, validation is a crucial component of marriage communication. But in many long-term relationships, married or otherwise, it goes missing because partners fear being over-dependent, or think they might look like they are agreeing with someone when they don’t. If fear wins out, stingy validation will undermine love, and we might end up with a lonely independence and a longing for someone with whom we can disagree.

Every day we have to discern how connected or independent we should be. Many of the questions we have and feelings which get triggered in the process of this discernment are unfinished business from our childhood, or wounds and hopes left over from past intimacies. Fortunately, the loving safety of a listening, nonjudgmental partner is one of the best places in creation to figure things out and keep moving toward wholeness. If you are not married, friends, relatives and even professionals can provide a similar space.

Rikki and Jimmy have a lot of good things to say on the subject of communicating validation if you like your info delivered by podcast:

Blame poisons validation

Suppose I am talking to my wife in the kitchen after I have returned from the office later than expected. She is already cooking dinner, alone again, as I recount traffic stories. She drops a knife on the floor and it barely misses her foot. She picks it up off the floor and shakes it in my direction as she says, “One of these days you will make me so upset, I’ll end up in the hospital.”  What does one do with that?

The need to answer such questions is why I think a lot of people refuse to get married or even get into a relationship. Intimacy is so uncontrollable and A.I. makes it seem like we ought to get it just right all the time.

So I might not get it just right when I responded. A typical response to “One of these days” might be defensive, since every time you tell your partner “you” (especially when you are holding a knife!) it will arouse their defenses, justly or not. So you might typically respond with, “I did not make you drop a knife” — or, more gently, “What the fuck?” So much for dinner. The evening might end up with the relationship in a doom loop of hurtful recriminations.

I am not sure what might be the best response to the wife’s statement; our loves all have their own context and complexities, after all. But I hope I would remember the one piece of advice I retained from marriage counseling a long time ago and “move into the emotion, even if it is anger.” I would like to take “One of these days you” and just let it move right by and out of my attention — the first thing our mates say are probably not what they will ultimately get to, if I actually listen [more on this]. And I would take the catastrophizing “I’ll end up in the hospital” and not automatically jump into saving her from disaster.

Instead, I would like to go with “emotions first” and zero in on the one feeling word she gave me and validate it with some sympathetic listening. “You’re upset. Tell me.” If you really wanted to validate her experience, you might add “Dinner can wait. You’re more important. Let’s take a few minutes.”

If we ponder how to relate, it is more likely we will feel confident about what is the best thing to say to the messy person we love. Even better, if we have spent some time in God’s care, we are less likely to sponge up all the blame igniting our reservoir of oily self-loathing. Experiencing the grace of God is eternally validating.

But doesn’t A.I. think we need to be defensive?

As I nosed around the topic of validation on the internet, I was kind of surprised that A.I. immediately did two things with it:

  1. It represented validation mostly as a need we have, not as an action we take.
  2. It immediately highlighted how we could become excessively dependent on being validated.

This is the second half of its summary first paragraph:

This intense need often stems from childhood experiences like criticism or neglect, and can manifest in people-pleasing or an excessive reliance on social media for affirmation. To reduce the dependency on external validation, it’s helpful to practice self-validation through journaling, positive affirmations, setting personal boundaries, fostering inner stillness, and connecting with supportive communities.

From what I know about A.I., which is very little, so far, it is mainly feeding back preponderant themes from the materials it purloined from all of us. My particular query makes me think there must be a lot of teachers in the last ten years who think we need to stop relying so much on external validation and learn to validate ourselves.

I don’t disagree. In fact, I care for people who fit the description in italics above to a T (see Matt. 5:18 for “T is for tittle”). This week I encouraged various people to exercise all five of A.I.’s suggestions for self-care. I didn’t really call them “self-validation,” since I think that idea can leave someone feeling terribly alone and over-responsible for correctly responding to a wagging knife. Besides, the process of therapy we were going through was intrinsically validating, so it would have been odd to act like it was important to do it by oneself.

What’s more, I think “self-validation,” as important as it may be, is still a form of “externality.” We are capable of standing outside ourselves, so to speak, and seeing ourselves as we are and accepting how we are, at the moment.

Parsing the A.I. summary a bit more, I think its takedown of social media is apt. When needy people I know have given up Instagram, they get a better chance to feel happy. But generally, A.I’s statement seems too defensive to me. It is hard to feel validated by someone if you don’t need anyone, or you think you need to look for a better mate every time they don’t get it just right.

A.I. seems to be stuck on the dichotomy of “fuzzy” vs. “bounded” sets, when relationships like marriage need to be “centered sets.” That means the problem with needing validation it points out is not really that your boundaries are too fuzzy or too bounded, it is that your relationship is not centered by something greater than either of you. That something could be the marriage itself, or love, or God, or family rather than just oneself taking care of oneself. [I talk about that third way more, here]. In the search to get validated or quest to not need to be, we could end up with a perpetually skeptical look at our loved ones; they could be guilty of not loving me until proven adequate.

We need to feel accepted and loved.

Like I keep saying, it appears that the main thing A.I. thinks we need to do when we yearn for validation is to attend to our wounds so we don’t need it too much. I think it  is representing our society’s discomfort with vulnerability. We hear, “Don’t be weak,” all the time, even though we all feel weak, in some way, every day and inevitably get weaker as we age. An extreme example of this discomfort might be the “Lions Not Sheep” clothing brand that has infected “alpha-male” Evangelical gatherings. Some men grasp at personal power to feel valid (women too).

However we go about getting it or avoiding it, we all need validation. We all need to feel seen and accepted. When I look at people struggling with that, I usually see these things:

1) Wanting to be seen and valued is a normal human desire. Since most of our desires are bent, that need can trip us up if abuse or neglect, accompanied by shame makes us desperately hungry for it.

2) Being blamed kills our confidence. As children, we often take the blame for being criticized or neglected. If our parents focused more on our appropriate behavior and success than on our  inherent worth, our shaky sense of self might need propped up by someone else’s approval.

3) Toxic individualism needs to die off. U.S. society is a hypermodern place. It is every man, especially, for himself (see Chaucer). The cultural emphasis on individualism can make admitting the desire for validation feel weak or shameful, leading people to hide their need. What’s more, In the present disaster we’re in, the sense of being on a sinking ship can make saving oneself seem like the only option.

4) Most of us tend toward low self-esteem. For Christians, a lack of “pride” is said to lead to an infusion of value through the grace of God. But if one is not secure in that grace they can end up stuck, secretly manipulating others to get the reassurance and affirmation they think is selfish to need — and deeply angry about not getting it.

How to validate

When Jesus said, “Give and it will be given to you” he was not only making a promise, he was noting a universal truth. Self-giving love is the generative source of life and happiness. Our endlessly-difficult relationships are where we learn this. And even if we try not to have them, we are still going to have relationships to teach us.  To give your partner the best chance to flourish and reciprocate your love, be sure to validate them. Try not to lay in wait to get validated and keep score if you don’t get what you need.

Take the initiative to validate someone’s feelings even before you expect to get validated in return. To do that, listen attentively, ask clarifying questions to understand their perspective, and acknowledge their emotions without judgment or offering solutions. Maybe you two will come to agreement later, but that will be even more unlikely if you do not feel accepted as who you are right now.

So here are that basics of validation. Use them to follow the golden rule to validate others as you yearn to be validated.

Listen actively

Give the person your full attention. Set aside distractions and make eye contact. Be soft.

Show you’re engaged

Use non-verbal cues like nodding and verbal affirmations such as “uh-huh” or “okay” to show you’re listening. Lean in. Touch.

Reflect and paraphrase

Mirror back what they’ve said in your own words. Let them know you understand and are open to learning more about what you don’t yet know. Be brave and gentle.

Ask open-ended questions, as necessary

Encourage them to share more by asking questions like “How did that make you feel?” or “Tell me more about that.” Or just wait with a curious expression.  Anticipate good things.

Acknowledge their emotions

Listen for the feelings first. Naming it, accurately or not, is helpful and affirming. Stock phrases can be fine: “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated,” or “I can see how that would be upsetting.” Connect.

Empathize and legitimize

“Companion them” in their experience, even if you haven’t had the same one. Say things like, “I can understand why you’d feel hurt after something like that,” or “It makes sense that you’d feel that way.” Care.

Offer support

Ask them they want without expectation. Don’t offer advice or solutions before they ask you for them or you have asked them to ask you. Often, listening is enough.

A list like that makes it sound like you should get it “just right,” doesn’t it? Whenever I am working through relationship issues with a married couple, one of them is likely to say, “I don’t think that will work” or “I’ve already tried that and nothing happened.” Such fears are what made us too afraid to validate someone in the first place. But they are certainly normal fears, aren’t they!

I think A.I. reinforces those fears. It seems to think, “People are unreliable and you are messed up. Take care of yourself!” In a session, I usually let those fears pass by and say something like, “OK. That makes sense. But let’s try it right now and see what happens. I’ll help you.” It often surprises people how much love their fear has been overlooking.

Recognizing DARVO is the first step to freedom: 5 practical responses

Spend 30 seconds right now memorizing the words DARVO stands for: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. DARVO is the abuse pattern emerging from the shadows of rape culture and becoming mainstream behavior. The pattern is not new, but it is now prevalent. (Think Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Ford before the Senate). It goes like this:

  • Deny:

The perpetrator of abuse denies or minimizes their harmful behavior, even if evidence exists. They may deny the behavior altogether or create an alternative narrative to explain it away.

  • Attack:

The perpetrator attacks the person who confronted them, attempts to discredit their claims or motivations. They may personally attack them, question their mental state, or suggest they are seeking attention.

  • Reverse Victim and Offender:

The perpetrator flips the story. They show themselves to be the victim and the accuser the aggressor. They will likely blame the accuser for provoking them or make them feel guilty for causing trouble.

The key to not becoming a victim of DARVO is to recognize when it is happening and refuse to cave in. These days, we all need to become experts, since it has become pervasive with the ascension of Donald Trump and JD Vance who employ it habitually. Most government communication is laced with DARVO these days (watch Karoline Leavitt). You can see the pattern most clearly whenever the government is accused of wrongdoing. No matter how far-fetched the logic, DARVO will be employed.

Perry and Celeste in Big Little Lies

Jennifer Freyd coined the phrase DARVO

Psychologist Jennifer Freyd  used DARVO to describe a common pattern “when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of ‘falsely accused’ and attacks the accuser’s credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”

Dr. Freyd coined the term in the 1990’s. She said the idea grew from watching “the [confirmation] hearings for Clarence Thomas and the response to Anita Hill.”  Hill is the law professor who in 1991 said the Supreme Court nominee sexually harassed her, only to see her own reputation dragged through the mud.

“Clarence Thomas had a leadership role” in the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission,” Freyd said.

“So it seemed to me like if there’s anyone who would have had a different response to the accusation, it was him. He would have said something like, ‘My memory is very different than yours; I’m disturbed to hear this is how you experienced things. I know these are very difficult conversations to have, and I want to understand what leads you to say this.’ But instead he and the other people who enabled him, it was a gang that attacked Anita Hill … and then I was seeing [the behavior] all over.”

Thank God most of us won’t be on TV getting raked over the coals! But you may have been an “accuser” who ended up being accused sometime in your life. For you, maybe DARVO  sounded like this:

“Why are you always trying to make me the bad guy?”
“I never hit you. I just pushed you away when you were being dramatic.”
“You’re so sensitive. It’s like I can’t do anything right around you.”
“You’re making me feel so bad. I don’t even want to talk to you anymore.”
“You’re abusing me, too.”

This kind of abuse chips away at your sense of reality over time. Many victims of it question whether what they experienced was real. And many turn the blame on themselves –which is exactly the goal of the person reversing the offense.

Now it is REALLY all over

Like I said, Trump and his comrades use the tactic reflexively. Some of the examples have become famous. We watch men, for the most part, get away with blame shifting like sexual abusers have been convincing their victims they are to blame for centuries.

Trump employed DARVO when he blamed Ukraine for Russia’s invasion, didn’t he?

Trump said about Zelensky: “You’ve been there for three years. You should have ended it. … You should have never started it. You could have made a deal.”

Most people know Russia’s army crossed the border on Feb. 24, 2022, in an all-out invasion that Putin sought to justify by falsely saying it was needed to protect Russian-speaking civilians in eastern Ukraine and prevent the country from joining NATO.

D —  Russia did not illegally and unjustly invade. A — You should have ended it. You could have made a deal. RVO – Russia is really the victim here. Ukraine is wasting U.S. money,

Trump has famously discredited women who had accused him of sexual assault.

Just before his Presidential debate with Kamala Harris he spoke to reporters about the first verdict E. Jean Carroll won against him for rape. He was in court to hear his lawyers argue for overturning a jury’s $5 million verdict. The former president  repeatedly implied he would not have assaulted two of his accusers (from the past) due to their looks. He said of a woman who has accused him of sexual misconduct on a plane in the 1970s “she would not have been the chosen one.” He said of  Carroll, “I never touched her. I would have had no interest in meeting her in any way, shape or form.”

At the point he said those things, juries had twice awarded Carroll huge sums from Trump for defamation because he claimed she made up a story about him attacking her in a department store dressing room in order to boost sales of her memoir. The judgments did not stop him. Just before the debate, he again said that Carroll was telling a “made up, fabricated story.”

D – “I never touched her. I would have had no interest in meeting her in any way, shape or form.”  A – She’s a liar. Besides, “she would not have been the chosen one.” RVO – She made it up to use my fame to boost her memoir. She wants to take me down. I’m the victim.

J.D. Vance contribute to the confusion people have about what is fake and what could be true.

After the outcry over Trump falsely claiming that Haitians were eating pets in Springfield, Ohio, Dana Bash asked Vance, formerly a Senator from Ohio, “Once and for all, can you affirmatively say that the rumors about Haitians eating dogs and cats have no basis with evidence?”

Vance said, “If I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that’s what I’m going to do.”

D – He would not respond to the question. It is the American people, not Haitians who are suffering. A – The media, like you Dana Bash, are not doing a good job. RVO – I have to create stories. The media does not respond to what I say. I’m the victim.

DARVO appears in quite a few scripts, too

In Big Little Lies every time Celeste calls out Perry’s violence, he flips it. First, he denies hurting her. Then, he accuses her of provoking him. Finally, he becomes the one who’s suffering – “I’m only like this because I love you so much.” It’s textbook DARVO.

In You,  Joe consistently manipulates women into believing he’s just a misunderstood romantic, even as his behavior becomes controlling and violent. He denies, attacks, reframes, over and over again.

You may have experienced some DARVO in your own house (or applied it). For instance, when a partner cheats, gets caught, and they might say, “You’ve been so cold lately, what did you expect?” Or when you confront a friend about a boundary they’ve crossed, they might respond with, “Wow, I guess I’m just a terrible person then.” Suddenly, you’re the one doing damage control, even though they hurt you.

DARVO can be defanged.

If you’ve experienced DARVO, you know how disorienting it is. Why? Because it’s not just a lie—it’s a reversal of truth. It puts you on the defensive. You begin questioning your memory, your motives, even your sanity. I was DARVOed in a big way a few years back and I felt that way myself; I am more aware now.

DARVO often overlaps with gaslighting, intensifying the psychological damage. Both aim to erase your reality. But DARVO goes further: it tries to make you feel morally wrong for even speaking up.

That’s why so many women in emotionally destructive relationships stay silent. They know what happened, but they can’t explain it in a way others will understand—especially when the abuser is charming, respected, or skilled at playing the victim (or might be a sociopath).

Numerous clients have validated that, over time, experiencing DARVO repeatedly leads to:

  • Self-doubt: “Maybe I am too sensitive.”
  • Isolation: “No one will believe me.”
  • Shame: “Why can’t I just let it go?”
  • Despair: “I’ll never be safe or heard.”

These effects are real. DARVO not only blocks accountability — it compounds the trauma of the original harm. It damages your trust in your own perceptions and can even alienate you from your community or church, especially if others are drawn into the reversal or support your abuser.

Being informed about DARVO can reduce its persuasive effects.  In other words, people who can spot DARVO are less likely to fall for it. Knowledge can act as a vaccine.

The next step is refusing to let it rewrite reality. Trump’s attempts to deflect responsibility and blame for the results of his tariffs are not just political maneuvers. They are calculated efforts to distract and confuse you. By exposing DARVO for what it is, we can ensure that his gaslighting does not win out over the truth.

Five ways to respond to DARVO

When you begin to recognize DARVO, you gain power. You may not be able to change the other person, but you can refuse to internalize their twisted version of events. Try these things:

Name it without shame.

Recognize that DARVO is someone else’s behavior, a tactic of self-defense and domination – it is not a reflection of your character. You are not “too sensitive” for noticing harm. You are not the problem because you “set some boundaries.” Naming the pattern is the first step toward clarity. “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:11).

Stay grounded in reality.

You could keep a journal of what happened and when. If possible, seek out a wise, safe counselor or support group that affirms your experience. You may also consider working with a therapist who understands emotional abuse. Truth-telling without malice is not gossip. It’s part of healing and it’s how we stay aligned with God.

Resist the urge to over-explain.

DARVO thrives when you start defending yourself. But you don’t owe a manipulator your constant justification. “No” is a complete sentence. “That’s not true” is a legitimate response. Jesus often refused to debate with those who had no intention of listening. You can do the same.

Define your limits without guilt.

It is godly to protect your heart (Proverbs 4:23). You are not responsible for managing another adult’s emotions, especially when they attempt to use those emotions to control you. Whether it’s a temporary separation, a clear boundary around communication, or removing yourself from a toxic church, these are not acts of rebellion — they are acts of obedience to your own healing and to God.

For the Church: Please recognizing and resist DARVO.

Too often, leaders and Christian communities are unwittingly complicit with DARVO. If the church automatically “stays neutral” or encourages the victim to reconcile before repentance, it reinforces the reversal and deepens the harm. Neutrality in the face of abuse is not peacekeeping—it’s injustice. Accountability is not unloving. Grace is not enabling. The church must be a place of truth-telling, not image management.

When someone speaks up about abuse or betrayal, our first response should not be, “Are you sure?” or “Let’s not judge.” Instead:

  • We ask them, “How can I listen and support you?” and “What do you need right now to feel heard, believed, and protected?
  • We ask ourselves, “What does justice and healing look like here?” and “How can we hold leadership or offenders accountable in truth?”

You’re not crazy, and you’re not alone

Maybe reading this caused you to recognize DARVO in your life. You may be the perpetrator or you may be the victim. You are not alone. If you are to blame, you can be healed and forgiven. If you have been abused, you are not likely to be imagining it.

If you have been abused, please don’t forget:

  • Your voice matters to God.
  • Your safety and your capacity to say “No” and be heard matters.
  • Your healing matters.

You do not have to prove your worth to someone who constantly rewrites your story to protect themselves and manipulate you. God is your witness and is the One who sees it all and stands with the oppressed and the voiceless. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18) — even when you feel alone. Wisdom, courage, and the strength to stand are all available to you, too.

If you are a married couple and you practice DARVO on each other because you learned it from TV or the internet, please find some hope in the fact there are other ways to relate and you can learn them. You’ll have to let go of DARVO and very possibly will need to find someone to help you learn some new ways to love. But you can make things better.

Your small group in the church: Key to thriving?

In a new survey, the Gallup organization interviewed people across 142 countries and asked them a series of questions to determine whether they felt they were thriving in their lives or struggling or, worst of all, suffering.  It reminded me of a presentation I made in 2016 to small group novices about how the church could be a place to help people thrive.

Last week David Brooks interpreted the Gallup findings for us in the New York Times:

The number of people who say they are thriving has been rising steadily for a decade. The number of people who say they are suffering is down to 7 percent globally, tying with the lowest level since 2007. This trend is truly worldwide, with strong gains in well-being in countries as far-flung as Kosovo, Vietnam, Kazakhstan and Paraguay.

Unfortunately, there is a little bad news. Some people reported sharp declines in well-being. That would be us. The share of the population that is thriving is falling in America, Canada, Western Europe, Australia and New Zealand. In 2007, 67 percent of Americans and Canadians said they were thriving. Now it’s down to 49 percent….

People thrive when they live in societies with rising standards of living and dense networks of relationships, and where they feel their lives have a clear sense of purpose and meaning. That holy trinity undergirds any healthy society. It’s economic, social and spiritual.

I spoke with Dan Witters of Gallup, who broke down some of the contributors to social and spiritual health. People who are thriving are more likely to feel a strong attachment to their community. They feel proud of where they live. People are more likely to experience greater well-being when they join congregations and regularly attend religious services. Feeling your life has purpose and meaning, he adds, is a strong driver of where you think you are going to be five years from now.

The sociopath president Trump is terrible fruit of this awful decline of  economic well-being, relationships and meaning. He’s bankrupting us, dividing us, and doesn’t mean a thing he says, much less attends to deep meaning.

The young people in the West are the hardest hit by the decline in thriving. So my wife and I decided our basic reaction to Trump had to include starting a small group. Our first try has not totally failed yet. But we quickly found out just how hard it is these days to get people together who don’t know a lot about getting together.

The small group is the basic unit of the Church.

In the U.S. we Jesus followers might think the individual is the basic unit of the Church. If we are moral, we might think it is the family. But I think the Bible and common sense tells us it is a small group which is the basic unit. Many church people call that small group a cell, a construct within the Body of Christ held together by the Spirit of in love — not born of flesh but of God.

In Acts 20:20 Paul notes how he has been teaching the church in Ephesus in public, like most churches do on Sunday morning, and from house to house — or in all the places where they are gathered to love or serve as a small group. The house to house groupings were like cells in the body of Christ.

The towns and cities Paul visited were relatively small. The churches in them were small in number, too. His teaching assumes people know each another. He’s not writing for the internet. We say “it takes a village to raise a child” because we need to remind ourselves  we are that village. If we did not reinforce our relationships, we might be swallowed up in the huge media machine that makes sameness a substitute for connection. Being the church might become attending a Sunday event featuring Joel Osteen, thinking our common experience or common connection with the person on the screen is connection with each other.

We can lose the essence of what Paul is teaching house to house — to people who are supposed to love each other like family in practical ways, even though they are only family because of Jesus. If we are not a vital part of the basic units of the church, we not only lose the redemption inherent in those relationships, we lose the psychological development inherent in struggling to build them and we remain unfaithful and unhealed.

What do you think of that? Do you have a place in your church where you are the body of Christ? Where you can be healed and be a healer? Where you learn to love? Where you can have healthy conflict that convinces you the process of facing difficult things is not so scary?

Creating groups

I have spent my whole adult life trying to create a place where people can receive what Paul is talking about. So often church people have been in class where they are thinking about doing what Paul is talking about sometime after class! Then they go to the service, which is often another lecture and mainly individuals consuming a religious product.

When Jesus was walking around with his disciples, he was demonstrating the basic wisdom of living as a small group. People caught stuff as they went along. They found some people they could follow and discovered who was a betrayer. They fought over who was the greatest. They were indecisive and unsure. But Jesus was in the midst and they figured stuff out together. They learned self-giving love, they learned how to doubt and be restored, to grumble and be corrected, to ponder and come to agreement. They got a chance to earn a secure attachment, differentiate from their past, learn a new script and act it out in a safe place. In a lot of places the church has deprived people of a chance to mature in Christ, so twentysomethings want to go to therapy when they are mildly anxious – their therapists end up being substitute friends and spiritual guides.

The paradigm we came up with in my former church was simply designed to fly on two wings: a large group wing and a small group wing, everyone energizing our movement. Everything we did was done in groups. Even the pastors of the 4-5 congregations did most of what they did as a team. I think this is so important because the essence of what we do is love. We are meant to be together as surely as the godhead forms a small group – father, son and Holy Spirit.

In the early years, I had some interesting and sometimes wild cells.

In one new cell, we had multiplied from another one that got too big to be face to face enough. Our core group included a somewhat shy Asian architect, our host, a loud South Philly guy who had a coke habit he was trying to kick and his longsuffering wife, and a woman who had just come off heroin and had wandered into the church for a meeting because she saw “hope” on the door — a genuine borderline personality. There were a couple of others who were not so comfortable and me. I did not have my doctorate yet, but I was beginning to earn one practically through my work with this little system. It was a very dysfunctional system I remember fondly. The couple  would continue arguments in the group. The recently-clean woman was an expert at pointing out the vulnerabilities in everyone. The architect wondered why she had ever allowed these people to meet in her apartment, since she had mainly done it to get some friends, not experience this challenge.

Needless to say, this was not a cell that worked out for long. It died. Some groups must die a natural death, otherwise it is hard to get one to live.

Even though we did not thrive, I learned a lot about how to nurture a small group and help people live in them.

  • The couple needed marriage counseling, so my wife was already inventing Circle Counseling, since you can’t solve every problem in the small group, especially when it is not professionally led. This is often the problem with church groups – they are not porous, their “holiness” requires them to have all the answers so no one can admit they don’t have the answers.
White corpuscles gathering around the injured or unincorporated mass
  • Plus I began to think about how some situations, like a couple having conflict or a person addicted to cocaine, might need to get some space in a relational container to heal — a small group with a purpose, like white corpuscles rushing to wounds.
  • And I had my second chance to make a treatment plan for a borderline person to be part of the church. It would not be my last.

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

      • Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
      • Impulsive and reckless behavior
      • Unstable relationships with other people.

People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides. The malady can be inherited. Is likely trauma-based or family-induced.

Borderline people are attracted to groups in the church but they often kill them. They desire stable people to balance their instability. Unfortunately, they like the ready “hosts” loving people are to feed their insatiable neediness.

Growth requires risk

The needy woman got better and ended up in her own apartment. Her growth required risk — hers and ours. I am amazed that a good third of the Christians in the country are obsessed with their own safety and are filled with fear. We should be the ones safe to risk our utmost and undermost for God’s highest.

A lot of small groups create a nice homeostasis that feels like mother’s milk but often curdles. Groups centered on Jesus need to keep moving with the Spirit, keep growing and renewing, to be healthy. Some churches have Sunday school classes that began when the members were the “young married” class and they are still together in their sixties!

Church leaders need to keep things flexible and changeable, as various and unpredictable as are the members. One reason for this is that spiritual and psychological growth takes risk.

Personal growth requires the interacting flows of relationship building and faith development. Healthy small groups have these complementary flows swirling around in them. That flow makes them good delivery systems for the spiritual food we need to grow and act. It’s a bit like I need to keep the air moving in my basement so the water that recently flooded it does not stay there long enough to grow toxins.

Small group leaders attempt to maximize the positive impact of the movement while minimizing the impact of the inevitable perils. They are always gently helping people to take the risks they need to take.

Making a relationship with a Christian, listening to the story of Jesus, entering a small group meeting, telling one’s story, listening to others, daring to express thoughts and gifts, praying with others, taking responsibility for others and the cell, bringing another person to Christ and the small group, joining in the Sunday meeting, taking action to serve others, making a covenant with the others in the church, giving birth a new cell — there are many risks along the way.

Here are some examples of the elements of each flow that we can encourage, and the risks we can learn to encounter with wisdom:

Do you have any experiences in small groups in the church that just didn’t work out well? Or just felt too risky to you?

Many times the risk reaps benefits

Not long after that other cell died, I formed a cell with a couple of bike messengers and their girlfriends. They all knew “A,” who was a sweet, but not-too-Christian guy in the church. This time the experience was electric and formative. These people became so close they met quite a bit outside the meeting. Some of them eventually became roommates and four of them became two married couples. They loved the opportunity to grow deep in love and to tackle the hard questions of faith and justice together. The group got so large that we multiplied it three ways and they sent me out to make another one from scratch.

What was so different about this one?

  • Groups like their homeostasis and if they can’t form it, they do not cohere. This one became a safe place.
  • Leadership. They liked “A” a lot and me enough. I was a lot older than them, but since they all came from relatively unstable families, I provided some parent power. If you therapists have twentysomething clients you are probably doing that, too.
  • Youth. They were pliable. I think groups are especially important for young people because they have so much to learn about having relationships. And do we really want to send people out into the world thinking that they can or must face all the huge issues of our day and the huge organizations that run it by themselves with only their hand held computer?
  • They wanted what the group offered. At least enough of them did so the others either went with it or kept their criticisms quiet.

Have you ever been in a group that worked out well? What was the best thing about it for you, personally?

A few main themes for training leaders

My presentation was mainly to leaders who were training leaders. So we concentrated on that quite a bit. Training small group  leaders is a lot like training group-therapy leaders. The big difference is the church’s twin flows of real relating and real-time experience of God’s presence.

Regardless of the flow, it is a major temptation to turn an expansive cell into a closed therapy group. People love therapy groups. Once they have been vulnerable with a small group, they don’t really want to repeat the initial risks of forming more relationships.  But it is just that risk which makes them alive and valuable.

Leaders who catalyze the growth we all need to keep experiencing are precious. Here are a few of the important things they must help us do to form life-giving small groups:

  • Learn how to listen and teach people to listen, to God and each other. — Everyone is writing their story, day by day, and they need to tell it.
  • Create an environment of safety. Leaders always need to wonder if they are controlling things out of their own fears and needs or effectively shepherding people along their uncertain, God-directed way of love and truth.
  • Encourage the dance of the big and small. The individual and group both matter. The promise of freedom and our deep need for covenant are dancing. We must honor uniqueness and promote mutuality.
  • Protect the EGR – There is always and extra-grace-required person — at least it will feel that way to people who are not good at relating. The leader protects that person from the group and protects the group from that person. We are all moving somewhere deeper and fuller. We are unfinished. Our present weaknesses and sins have hurtful consequences. That’s a given the leader monitors.
  • Embrace before people believe or behave. One does not have to believe to belong. A small group is like meeting Jesus along the way — therapists might call it “client-driven.” Implying that someone is not “doing the group right” probably won’t help them face the risks they must take to connect with God and their true selves.
  • Don’t deprive people of reproductive rights.  If a church expects their small groups to grow and change, we all learn there is enough love to go around. Love grows as big as it needs to be. We are always changing which always feels risky. When we give birth to the next basic unit of the church, we all get the thrill of bringing new love into the world.

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Today is Clare of Assisi Day! Celebrate her at The Transhistorical Body.

 

 

Six emotions from the abyss: They are rippling through this time

I was languidly reading this Morton Kelsey book from 1983: Companions on the Inner Way: The Art of Spiritual Guidance, when I got stuck on Chapter 5: “Atheism, Agnosticism and Spiritual Guidance.” I discovered that long before I had to disable Copilot (a Microsoft A.I. invader hoping to monetize my creativity), Kelsey pondered the spiritual diseases of modern/post-modern life. That sickness is coming to the fore, right now, since the electorate (probably) unleashed the sociopathic Trump on the world and he brought a slew of grandiose, incompetent individualists with him. Their wickedness is infectious.

Just last week the Secretary of Agriculture, Brooke Collins “doubled down” on “no amnesty” for undocumented farmworkers and implied that a mythic number of “able-bodied” Medicaid recipients could fill in for them, all in the cause of creating an “all-American workforce” [YouTube]. Then President Trump hosted a televised roundtable with African leaders in which a favored reporter asked the group if they would support Trump receiving the Nobel Peace Prize (for suggesting the depopulation of Gaza and sending stealth bombers from the heartland to bomb Iran, I suppose). Several fawning leaders cravenly supported the notion. Then the President complimented the Liberian president, Joseph Boakai, on his good English, apparently not knowing that Liberia was created by Americans and the official language has been English since 1847 [YouTube]. Once again, the slavers and the autocrats who enable them are set loose on the world. It is depressing. Many of us can’t see a way out of it, yet.

The abyss

Not seeing the way is just what Kelsey was exploring, too. So I had to pause. He realized his way of seeing was too shallow. His intellect was not enough to keep him in the faith he needed. Like Abbe Huvelin said, “In faith we have just enough light to follow the right way, but on either side there is the abyss.” Kelsey saw that, left alone with his own understanding, he would keep falling into the abyss.

It was getting to know about Carl Jung  that helped him come to “realize that the spiritual world was real and the Divine Lover could be known and shared.” After that realization, his experience of love plus intellectual belief kept him out of the pit. He says,

Later I met Jung, who told how he was jolted out of the rational, materialistic agnosticism of his medical training. He learned that there was a nonphysical dimension to reality, which was observable to anyone who would take the trouble to experience it. It was, as he said, as experienceable as were the two moons of Jupiter to those in Galileo’s time who would take the trouble to look through the telescope. He believed that one of the most important therapeutic tasks was to free people caught in the constricting materialism of our time and open them up to a more adequate view of reality. He viewed the person wholly caught up in materialism as more sick than amoral or immoral. We need to outthink our materialistic world, just as the early Christians outthought the ancient world.

Kelsey was writing during the “Reagan Revolution” years which did not come to full fruit until Trump and his minions took over. The unleashing of sick, unfettered greed backed by the power of the American war machine is overwhelming. It is not hard to see a wave of depression rippling through the country in reaction — and it has to be depressing for African leaders to abase themselves on international TV. If there is no more meaning to life than winning the economic battle for supremacy there are steep personal prices to pay.

We have meaning

One of Jung’s important contributions to psychology and theology was his recognition that the inability to believe in anything, or the belief in a meaningless world, can be classified as disease or sickness which can cause as much damage as childhood trauma, acute tension or a dose of poison. If anyone believes they have no meaningful place in the universe, it can result in emotional and physical illness.

We yearn to join in the meaning of the universe. But it is all-too-easy to fall into the abyss when we are overwhelmed by meaninglessness. Suicide studies draw the simple conclusion that relying on hotlines to give desperate people attention and shore up their reason to live, providing a moment of community to shore up their capacity to take up their lonely responsibility, are not enough. The linked study concludes what I think is obvious: “Giving a person a job or proper health care can also be a suicide-prevention tool,” since such care allows for a minimal sense of meaning and value.

The present regime calls such practical, caring measures “socialist,” I think. Instead, they practice devaluing people, like when an ICE army invaded the heart of Los Angeles last week, teaching kids at a summer camp to hide [YouTube]. The message the regime delivers everyday is clearly received, especially by the most vulnerable. For instance, the Trevor Project reports a huge increase in the use of their hotlines after Trump’s election and inauguration.

The six signs of the abyss

Kelsey lists six “devastating emotions” which result from a sense of being an alien in a hostile or indifferent universe. The first three are related.

  1. Fear

The sense of being an alien is a hostile or indifferent universe leads to fear of meaninglessness, fear of extinction at death, fear that we are faced with more than we can handle, fear that no one loves me, and fear of sickness.

  1. Anger

Anger is the aggressive reaction to the same threatening feelings. Sometimes we turn our anger inward where it burns like a slow smoldering, consuming fire. Sometimes it strikes out in hatred and revenge.  Many say we are living in an “age of rage.

  1. Stress

Stress is the understandable result  of our belief that we, alone, have the power to protect ourselves from threat and we must do this by our own relentless alertness and energy. In a meaningless world we are faced with an impossible task, so stress is inevitable.

  1. Depression

Depression is the unconscious twin of stress; it is giving up in the face of hopelessness. When there is no friendliness in the universe, there is less reason to expect it from human beings and less reason to reach out.

  1. Loneliness

A gnawing loneliness is the inevitable circumstance that accompanies separation from social meaning. It is presently epidemic. Before DOGE got to HHS, the agency advised us on health issues. The Surgeon General produced a notable study on loneliness in 2023. Now we have RFK Jr’s “MAHA” report.

  1. Psychic infection

All these things make us susceptible to psychic infection, which is the contamination  by the fear, anger, stress, depression and lonely hopelessness of others. Drugs of every kind have been unleashed to combat this infection, but they don’t quite hit the spot. When we are wallowing in our own and in society’s abyss, we need some meaning, some love, some supernatural connection. As Jung said, “The approach to the numinous is the real therapy.”

People are fond of saying things like “The world has been crazy before, we’ll be OK.” I appreciate those good people who have a psychological KN95 mask to wear and seem immune to infection. I, on the other hand, am suffering the wounds of political disaster, climate change, out-of-control militarism and whatever A.I. is going to do to me. What’s more, I experience Kelsey’s six devastating emotions in my beloved clients, who are bravely struggling for meaning in the middle of our oppositional society.

Rather than relying on Nature to right itself, I turn to Jesus who has two important things to say to us today. I hope focusing on them is like seeing the moons of Jupiter. They are a lens that reveals meaning in our suffering and a lens that looks beyond the borders of our understanding into Love.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.  We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” – John 6:67-69

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Speaking of people who know how to suffer for righteousness’ sake, today is Argula von Grumbach Day! This Reformation era woman used her gifts and people noticed, to good ends and bad. Get to know her at The Transhistorical Body.

Emotional paralysis: What we can do about it.

When we are experiencing a persistent sense of emptiness or numbness, an inability to connect with others on an emotional level, constant feelings of fear or anxiety, and a limited range of emotional responses, we’re in “emotional paralysis.” I think this is a national issue right now. Instead of dealing with it, we are getting acclimated to it.

by Kiselev Andrey Valerevich

A persistent sense of emptiness or numbness makes it challenging to connect with others on an emotional level. This leads to loneliness and a sense of detachment from the world. It also leads to fear or anxiety, to a state of heightened alertness, being on guard for potential emotional triggers. This vigilance is mentally and physically exhausting, which only makes things worse. Soon, emotional paralysis makes our range of range of feeling even more limited. Joy, pleasure, or even sadness are often the first to go. We can end up disengaged from life and unfulfilled. Relationships become strained and work suffers which causes more anxiety and loneliness which often deepens the numbness.

In many cases, emotional paralysis can be accompanied by physical symptoms: no appetite or overeating, sleep issues, susceptibility to illness, and fatigue. Persistent headaches and muscle tension can be a result of emotional stress. The mind-body connection is a powerful one, and when emotions are suppressed or blocked, they can show up as physical pain and discomfort. Some people have panic attacks at some level and their doctor looks for a heart attack.

Causes of emotional paralysis

When we sit down in therapy we often uncover past experiences, especially in childhood, that lead to emotional paralysis. It is cliché to point it out, but childhood trauma, such as abuse or neglect, can instill fear of vulnerability. This fear leads to emotional paralysis as a way to avoid re-experiencing the pain associated with past events.

What’s more, if we have unresolved emotional conflicts or a lack of emotional support and reciprocation, especially during critical developmental stages, it can be paralyzing. If a person grew up in an environment or is subject to one now where emotions are suppressed or dismissed, they may internalize the belief that expressing emotions is unacceptable or weak. This learned behavior can lead to emotional paralysis, as individuals struggle to identify their feelings and communicate them effectively.

The individual causes of emotional paralysis are somewhat easy to identify. Numb people often intuitively know them, they just don’t want to feel them. They are often weighed down by the responsibility they feel for dealing with the circumstances robbing them of life. So external factors are sometimes overlooked or dismissed. They say, “Whattya gonna to do?” or  “It is what it is.” or  “Can’t complain.” I greet people in my elevator with “How’s it going?” and I regularly hear, “A day above ground is a good day.” Or they just stay silent. They walk down the street or ride around isolated by headphones. Some may feel unable to leave the house, which requires an online job, which leads to further distance from love.

National paralysis

Your emotional paralysis is not all your fault. There are things happening to us every day, especially now, that cause it. We often wonder out loud why people under authoritarian regimes don’t do something about their plight. Look at the symptoms above and it seems clearer. They are paralyzed.

We are living in a “plight” right now. We can’t sell a condo we thought would go faster. Mortgage rates feel higher. Future economic stability is uncertain. Prices seem to be inflating (at least my chocolate has gone up!); toys are already showing a tariff bump. Lumber and gypsum tariffs are making houses more expensive. ICE raids undermine the workforce. Trump politics create a wait-and-see mentality. I had some emotional paralysis for a while as my new reality moved in like a climate change event. Traumatic or overwhelming, present circumstances are tending to numb us out.

 

 

 

 

Americans live in a big country with a big government. When it gets upended and the ways to change it are cut off, it is traumatizing. We have narcissistic entrepreneurs running government like it is a business in which breaking things is supposed to lead to innovation, and they call it conservatism! Amateurs have wrecked the AIDS program in Africa, bombed Tehran, excavated for a concentration camp in the Everglades and made lying normal. The Congress is full of self-interested cowards.

What’s more, the Church is in stasis. The only good statistical news for U.S. congregations  is that young men are returning to churches where patriarchy is practiced. Most churches remain paralyzed in fracture. It still troubles me that the main dividing issue of the last few decades has been homosexuality. That’s where people draw lines? Not with gun violence and military spending? Not with poverty and income inequality? Not with unorthodox spiritualities and biblical illiteracy? Not with the hollowing out of community and leadership?

It is no wonder so few people devote themselves to the common good, run for office, or build a business that is not just for profit. They are emotionally paralyzed and live in a system that contributes to it every day. Ultimately, getting out of national paralysis in the U.S. is a collective effort that requires both systemic and individual shifts in behavior, coupled with a commitment to finding common ground and working towards constructive solutions.

Overcoming numbness

Things change and people grow. I am amazed when clients are suddenly on the other side of the tipping point towards mental health. A lot of factors can contribute, of course, but the main one is usually they wanted to stick with it. They let themselves want to be happy and then decided to be so. I am always glad to help with that. If you feel the paralysis I’ve been describing, you might want to join them in finding a new way. Here are tried and true pathways to feeling and feeling better.

Make yourself talk

A friend, a spouse, your pastor or priest, a stranger on vacation might all have a listening ear. The way out of emotional paralysis is exercising emotion, which almost always includes communication. A psychotherapist can speed up the process by identifying past traumas, patterns of belief and external influences. They can suggest alternative ways to cope and help form new strategies for living. A lot of paralyzed people consume tons of useful media which talks at them all the time. But impression without expression will likely equal depression.

Force yourself to practice self-care

This topic often feels “woo woo” to numbed people, so that’s why I said “force yourself.” You may think numbness is normal.

Paralyzed people are often that way because they tried being who they are and getting what they need and “it did not work.” They are reticent to try again and get hurt again. Lack of self-worth leads to lack of self-care. Nothing is as simple as that last sentence implies, of course, but instead of waiting to feel better we can start where we are and take whatever steps we can to take care of ourselves. Take a walk. Go to the gym. Put out a resume. Go to church. Call a long-lost friend. Go see the neglected relative. Write the story. Play your instrument. Get out the journal. Read the book. Take the class. You probably know what you need to do. You will just have to do that thing which is good for you. You will probably have to make yourself do it and face the homeostasis blocking you.

Get into a support network

I hope your job feels like a support network — that is so rare, I hate to mention it, since it is where we spend most of our time. I wish that extended families always felt like a support network, but a shocking number of us are estranged from them.

It is common knowledge that we’ve lost a lot of community, but it is still crucial to mental health and happiness. When we are alone, we are more subject to paralysis. Clients have done these things to get some community started: demanded change in the workplace, started  a family connection time (at least a group text), joined a running group, went back to church, joined a writing group, got on the board of a nonprofit. There are ways to connect if you’re looking.

Learn contemplative prayer

I saved the best for last. The thing that has worked for many clients is learning to be still and see what is on the other side of silence. I suggest many books for this and reading a book is a good way to start. One discovered the book mentioned in this post last month [link]. You could go on a retreat or take in a seminar about contemplative prayer and make some new friends. You could make (or restore) a deliberate, daily time for God to heal your trauma, reinforce your value, inspire you to try hard things, and reassure you it will be OK. Soul work is really the whole work.